Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
