Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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