So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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