don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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