So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
