i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
