New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
