I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
