if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
pray to the hookup gods
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize