I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
