I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
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He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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