Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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