I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
