Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I am midnight drunk by noon
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
