I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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