Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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