so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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