Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
