Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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