Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize