you guys were way drunker than both of me
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
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We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
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In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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