saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
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christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
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If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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