I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
cat food counts as protein by the way
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
