Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
