i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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