I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
