she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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