she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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