I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
