I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
