it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
