It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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