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Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
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