i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?