I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
