The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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