She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
