drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
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First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
USA USA USA
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida