when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
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Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
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I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?