How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
