You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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