mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
