he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
