I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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