my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
