When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
