I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
