watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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