We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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