i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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