haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My life is pants optional.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
