You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I have aggressive nipples.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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