I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I have tasted many bathrooms
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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