I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I pour the whiskey from now on
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
