I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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