Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
