who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
