I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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